A Bumpy (Lumpy) Ride!

What is this ugly lump on my hand? The first time I found one of these new strange lumps it was on my palm so I thought it might be a ganglion cyst. It wasn't painful except when I bumped or pressed it. I asked the doctor about it but she really didn't have any comment to offer me at that time. She just looked at it and gave a slight nod then wrote something on her ever-present computer. A friend of mine who is a nurse said in the olden days the treatment for ganglion cysts was to smash it with a heavy book. OUCH!

Shortly thereafter a lump appeared near my right elbow and at the same time my left elbow started to grow a twin. Good grief! This meant I could no longer comfortably lean on my elbows. Time for researching on the intenet. I discovered these lumps were a side effect of RA that many of us deal with. Since that time I have developed a few more nodules, especially in the joints on my hands. I no longer feel a sense of panic. Sure I don't like them but what can I do?

Sometimes I say to my husband "Why...?" followed by whatever is concerning me at the time (why this lump?; why am I so tired?, etc.). He answers patiently, "Honey, you have RA and this just comes with the territory." So I guess we are blazing new territories in our lives and will just have to figure it all out as we go along! It is called LIFE. Time to remind myself that "THIS is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

Decorating the Moon

When you get a flare-up of an auto-immune disease one of the first things the doctor prescribes is more prednisone until things get back under control. Those of you who have had this miracle drug know that with it comes a few negative side affects. One of them might be that you find your face has lost its natural contours and is now round until you taper back off the prednisone. This side affect is called "moon-face". All of a sudden, almost overnight, you look like you've put on several pounds and your face is all puffed up. Gosh, I wish the doctor would prescribe me my own make up artist!

But seeing how that is NOT the case and life must go on, I need to get ready to face the day. I've worn make up for years and for those of us who use these wonderful products it means on occasion we have to "decorate the moon". First, I study my face in the magnifying mirror - an added horror as I observe the swollen cheeks and sunken eyes, but a magnifying mirror is necessary at my age due to reduced vision! Oh well, on to the make up...after I put on foundation its time for some special affects. Where are those cheekbones for the cosmetic blush? Let's see, they should be about right here an inch or two under the eyes; which are sunken in a bit by the swollen flesh of my moon-face, but I forge on! After some deliberation I carefully place the blush to define some cheeks and create definition. (By tilting my head up and slightly to the side I can imagine I've succeeded in achieving the desired affect). Now it is time for eye make-up. Oh oh, with those sunken in eyes and dark circles it means I need to resort to a little concealer magic. Finally, a bit of lip color, add earrings and voila! I'm ready to face the day.

Recently I bought myself a great pair of sunglasses. Isn't it great that large sunglasses are back in style? Now if I could just see where I was going with them on indoors that would be terrific!

Maybe what I need to work on isn't my make up but instead is...I Peter 3:4 "Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel, rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

Walkers and Leg Braces

It has been over three years since the RA diagnosis. My new normal is so different than it use to be...I can't help wondering: Where will I be three years from now? Will I still be going to work everyday? Will I still be mobile and walking?

I fell a few weeks ago and ended up in the ER for xrays. The nurse when she checked me in gave me a special bracelet to wear that said "fall risk". I asked her if I could have a box of them so I could wear a fresh one everyday...she laughed like I was kidding.  They prescribed a walker for me to use as needed. Instead of one of those clunky silver things we purchased a fancier version from the drugstore. It has a seat, is bright red (my favorite color) with big wheels, and brakes thankfully! It has allowed me to feel safer taking walks in the neighborhood. If I tire there's a place to sit down...All of a sudden walking the mall won't seem such a daunting task - plus I have a little basket under the seat! Shopping, anyone?

A few days later I was sent to an orthopedic doctor to examine the xrays. He showed me that my kneecaps have moved towards the outside of my knees. It was shocking to see those images. They took me off guard. The doctor said physical therapy wouldn't help. It was how the disease was progressing in my case. NOW I understood the increased discomfort and why my knees feel so unstable.

My RA doctor asked me to start wearing knee braces in the hopes of holding the knees in place and perhaps keeping the kneecaps from displacing further. After the first few days, I adjusted to the bulk and feel of them AND they are helping. Because of the size of my knees I needed large braces but the poor nurse searched everwhere for two in size large but could only find one - so until my next visit I have one large and one extra large. I've discovered that when I wear them on bare skin they grip well and feel supportive but add quite a bit of bulk under my slacks or jeans. I tried wearing them over nylons with a skirt but the texture of the nylons allowed the extra large one to start slipping south - Wouldn't that make a lovely picture and a new way to fall down...I fell over my knee braces!? Explain THAT to the ER nurse or your friends!

I regret to say that the knee pain is not fun and often wakes me at night when my knees pop and move. It is easy to feel anxious over this new development. I have to remind myself that "in everything give thanks to the Lord". Everything means everything...He is holding me fast and if I cleave to Him the fear subsides. Fear is such an enemy to us and pulls our vision away from our Savior and onto the circumstances. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

The Discovery

Nearly three years ago I developed a bad case of the flu that lasted longer than any other bout of flu I had ever experienced and it left me extremely weak and lethargic.  After recovery I continued to feel ‘slightly off’ and in need of lots of rest, etc. Then it hit again. This time I could hardly move in bed. The bed covers felt like they were made of lead. Getting up and down to the bathroom took huge effort. What was happening to me? Every movement was both painful and challenging. My husband had to assist me in the simplest tasks. Time to go to the Doctor!

The blood tests revealed I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. My immediate thought was – how bad can that be. Arthritis? People live with that everyday and this is not bad news at all. But after spending time with the doctor and doing my own research into the illness I began to realize that my life, as I knew it, may forever be changed.

Now came the trial and error of medication after medication. Every new med was to be given 3 – 6 months to determine if it was effective. This meant possibly 3 – 6 months of near immobility and challenging pain as the diagnosis advanced quickly to ‘moderate to severe RA’.

I was still working as an administrative assistant in a private school. Rising very early in the morning I would laboriously get ready for work. Miraculously I missed very little work and this is with great thanks to two dear co-workers. These dear women were so sensitive to my challenges. My office was upstairs and we rigged a way for me to pass papers down to the first floor when copies needed to be run, etc. If I was too weak to go to lunch they would bring me something from the cafeteria. Thank you to these dear women that I couldn’t have done without at this difficult time of adjustment.

Speaking of adjustment, anyone who has faced physical illness or chronic pain knows there are times of great fear. We also mourn for life as we knew it; having to deal with the learning curve on how to get things done with this uncooperative body and then, at last, the peace of acceptance. This cycle repeats itself again and again. Yet we steadily see that as a Christian, God’s Word is our anchor. I learned to memorize scriptures to repeat to myself during the long nights as I struggled to sleep through the pain. Psalm 34 and Psalm 103 were among my favorites and I worked to memorize these passages. Without God as my strength where would I be? He suffered for my sins and He was with me in this dark valley. I learned to hang on tight to His hand and focus on Him as Lord of my life and even as I continued/continue to pray for healing, I discovered afresh that HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT! I will trust and submit and rest in Him.